On history. (sober)

I am secretly in love with history. I have never studied history, and I think I don't want to. I'll let you know why. But first, what is history? Where do you draw the line between what we were and what we are now. Family anecdotes are not historical, but someone, for example, the queen, her family anecdotes would be considered historical. So do we discount things that seem un-momentous? That would require that it was known what would end up being important. We don't. Document everything? Nothing, then rely on what we can find out after the fact? What would the Kennedy Assassination have been if Lee Harvey Oswald had twitter?

So I think a lot about history. And what history we'll have left over. And what will be considered historical. I mean shit, what are we doing over-creating and over-depicting. I never understood what it meant for the universe to be really infinite until I looked into peoples words and ideas, and saw it all there. Even unconscious animals and plants are capable of creation and recreation, the molten earth rocks and rivers all change the world. That's infinite.

That means we're changing everything, and making history by doing nothing, something, anything we have to. Does that make evolution historical, or our life, or is history just documenting evolution? Aaron would tell me I was over-dramatizing, being hysterical, or just looking for something that isn't there. But I feel like things just bleed into each other. Sometimes I do something and feel like it's historical, for me, when I learned this, or when I knew I felt something for the first time. That's enough for me. And sometimes I'll learn something about world history and think "this is my history too, I wouldn't know what I know, be where I am without this".

I hope there's nothing truly inconsequential. When this global warming things really starts to make people feel uncomfortable (what Aaron once told me was what most people feared most) they'll realize that nothing you do can be without consequence. I'm quite vindictive. I hope there will be retribution, unlikely but I'm impassioned by the idea of it. Sadistic, really. Anyway, I want to think about history. I want to be immersed in history, but I'm too attached to my own history-in-the-making. My interest in history is tactile and there's no part of my mind that knows "history" but it is there alongside everything I know. History makes the world vast and wonderful. And I guess that's all I know.