In the defense of staying at home.

It's been really difficult for me to leave the house, recently. Usually there's a school I volunteer at once a week, helping kids learn to read. I like it, but this week I couldn't get myself out of bed. For anything. Usually there's SOMETHING I want to do. I hate having to do things, but I always WANT to do things, and that's usually enough. And when I finally get up, at about twelve-ish, I rarely leave my house, unless it's to water my garden, which is down the stairs against the big brick wall of my neighbors garage. It's been great weather recently and I love standing with the bees in my back yard.

I'd been thinking about how to get ready for uni next year, and all the things I'd planned on doing. I was walking around the house in the shirt I made yesterday (love it) with a bow-tie around my ankle. I'd just learnt to tie bow-ties, simply because I had a diagram and a bow-tie in the same room, inexplicably. I made myself a cup of tea, pulled a book I've been meaning to start out then went and sat in the sun-room. I'd read a page, then stood up on a whim, switched my cup of tea for a glass of water and went downstairs to my garden. Then I walked up an down my drive, checked the mail. Then went back upstairs to the array of enjoyable possibilities I'd laid out for myself. Read the mail, write someone, read my book, finish my tea, attend to my beautiful garden, get changed again (a hobby), start dinner, pick flowers, or lounge. Each opportunity bled into the next and I felt warm and relaxed knowing there was nothing for me to do that I didn't want to and nothing that could ruin anything else for me. It was perfect.

I've spent so much of my life on a razors edge. I love chaos and anxiety, they fuel me, and I could get nothing done without them BUT I have nothing to be stressed about with nothing to do, and it's been causing me endless frustration. Until today.

I went to the Temple of Dionysus in Greece. Usually I hate tourist attractions, or anything attractive. But Ancient Greece is the shit. And sexy as hell. And the Pergamon in Berlin was a total Ancient Greece turn-on, featuring a Dionysus exhibition. Turns out the whole of modern theatre is thanks to Dionysus and anybody who believed they could win his favour via the theatre and wine. And loose women and everything I like and nothing I hate. So out of respect to the only deity I would blow (maybe Neptune, but he'd be huge), I went to check it out.

Sorry about that, it was leading somewhere. The point was I learnt a lot about decadence and indulgence from Dionysus, but in the last month I'd pushed it aside in favour of more pressing concerns. And now when I needed it most back came my inspiration and I spent the afternoon worshipping Dionysus (and myself).

Okay alrighty bye-bye.



Oh! And: http://www.perfectstars.com/comic.php?date=2006-05-01 this is my favourite thing of today.